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musings |
they say a fortune teller can never predict his/her own fortune. and it goes pretty much the same way for most things in life too. for one thing, i know that a psychology student cant analyse her own psyche and emotions rationally and logically. says who students of psychology can read minds? thats utter rubbish. if that was possible, so many problems wouldnt exist now.
i havent wanted to face up to this for quite some time now. i know its bothering me, but there seems to be so many things involved. sometimes it seems dramatically simple, at other times its so impossibly complicated. am i thinking too much? thinking too little? reading too much into things? or have i missed time after time an opportunity? that door, does it exist? if it does, is it still open? do i just want to look into the door and see what life is like if i cross over? am i ready to to cross over? is that door meant for me? is what thats behind the door really what i want? familiarity is a trap that pulls me in and binds me so tightly to the situation that i can no longer think straight. indulging in this comfortable familiarity is a habit, and its just so easy to go on. to to hold on would be to sink in deeper into murky waters that blur my sight and choke me, and to let go would be to axe off my one pillar of support. maybe my blood will continue to flow, but i know it will be painful, like a stake driven into raw skin thats left alone. no one knows if it will heal completely or become infected beyond help. i know this isnt just about familiarity, its also about reliance and dependency thats one phone call away, a knowledge that needs no words sometimes. things fit well, and when that happens, desire is a double edged sword. wanting more but with no repercussions, thats the problem. maybe thats why they always say no pain no gain. when it comes to getting things into the open, i have absolutely zero courage. especially when i'm not sure myself what i feel or why so. is it just convienence, so near yet so far? is it just to fill that empty space? or is it something deeper and more that has somehow developed? oh goodness, i'm only 19! I DONT KNOW ALL THE ANSWERS! and its getting so tiring... anguish, frustration, helplessness, anger, happiness, contentment, dissatisfaction confusion all continuing to snowball, with no foreseeable end in sight.
i'm exceedingly afraid of pain. maybe you smirk and say who isnt, but i really am exceptionally afraid of pain, whether its physical or psychological. and i get the feeling that this fear seals up my ability to give a 100% to a single person. i'm willing to go the extra mile for people i love as friends, i'm willing to give up things for them, but i just can open up myself to do that for a single person, especially after that 6 years. its too painful to relive the estatic highs and the bottomless lows of doing so. my heart is just cold, rejecting, and highly guarded when it comes to this matter. and the problem comes in here, i'm not sure if i have an occupied seat, or whether its completely frozen and empty.
i know what the world thinks of this. they look and its just very simple to them, and they have the general consensous that things must be happening or have already happened. i've almost given up in this aspect. there's no use trying, no one listens anyway.
i just want clarity and stability. and no pain.
can you give me that?
posted by sarangaia || 10:34 AM Monday, May 26, 2008
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