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My person 내사람
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rhapsodyII |
exhilaration.
wow.. this is great. i wonder how i managed to pull through. was sick the whole day and my nose was a running tap. if anything, the constant sniffling sound throughout the concert was probably mine, but who cares. everyone i know was absorbed in watching huang sheng. hahaha.. probably his hair at work.
okok, lets start form the top. had to pop panadol in the morning and stand in cold water for half an hour to bring my temperature down from 37.0 to 36.6. wasn't that bad. the journey to school was terrible though. felt like throwing up every few second. managed to get to school and set off to esplanade. the food was horrible. thank god for the vermicelli that fukang shared with michelle and me (did i mention we were all sick?) anyway, that's besides the point. the xian yue girls got to share our dressing room with ALL 24 OF THE ALUMINI PLAYERS!!! yes!!! for those who are into my so-called secret... hahaha.. it was life again for me. suddenly the little "present" qianz shoved into my hands while i stood gaping seemed unimportant. for the first time. ohmygosh.. i DID HAVE FUN!!! they laid out chairs for me to sleep...thoughtful people they are. rehearsal was draining for me. used more tissues than my entire 16 years added up.
dinner was, again, terrible. terrible food, especially as i wasn't particularly impressed with their lack of "innovation". ohwell. roll on the concert items.
don't really want to delve into all the songs one by one. generally everything was ok. i mean, after 6 years with the stage, i don't exactly get the shivers anymore. i love the stage. and i loved my seat this year. and *poof*, concert was over.
i think this is one of the defining moments for me... i was disappointed when my parents made the comparison between rv and aj.. i mean, come on. rv has four years of people while we have people with only 1 year of experience technically. i think we were amazing. all things aside, i think i finally felt, from the bottom of my heart, the music. that familiar experience. that joy. that unity. its an indescribable feeling. it was wonderful. i felt i had finally found what i've been searching for all these while.
you know what? it exists without him.
yes, it does. the music wasn't about me or him or the orchestra. the music comes when you play wholeheartedly, with people you know and love. it comes when you put meaning into it. it took me awhile, but i think i've really gotten it this time round. i think i can finally let go. thanks to the timely 'gift' from qianz, which is officially a loan. i know now that i'm coping, and i've found myself. i restrict myself no more. i'm...free.
this is the second home that i know i'd rather have compared to anything else. i don't regret joining aj for the sake of ajco. here i'm slowly finding the old me that existed, the uncomplicated soul there purely for the orchestra and friends.
i'll miss the seniors..i'll miss michelle and her gentle warmth, ruina and her hilarious comments, liangyin's lameness, rongsheng's ability to render me speechless, dawson the nice guy with the nice shirt (men shen!!haha), qiling and his general quirky fun-ness, xia jie and her smile...believe it or not, fukang and his rather entertaining actions. of course, there's really nice shuxuan, mr boing-boing, the scandalous twosome... so many people.
thanks.. for all.
memories are made of these.
posted by sarangaia || 10:16 PM Monday, May 23, 2005
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sigh |
yap at it, for those who understand.
i don't get it. why is it that geog seems so tardy, unfun, BOOORRRINGGG nowadays? seems like the perpetuator of it all dosn't realise.
ms wong is leaving. for once when i thought i finally got a great lit teacher, she goes. oh well. that's life for you. sad but.. what can i do? its already final. hope she'll really find what she wants.
as for that of trouble with friends.. i'd rather continue like this. its tiring to have to put up an act everyday. now everything's the same, but yet everything's changed. that contradictory feeling. i don't care. to hell with all the rules of being friends. i need to rest and cool off.
met old aquaintances today. guess its true. people change radically. i had the distinct feeling that the one whom i have always seen as persona non grata was trying to snub me, i'm in a much better state/school than you are. worlds apart from then when the one tried to act cosy and best friend-ishy. more like fiend-ishy. i don't really mind. have never really cared much for labels, tags of being the best/la creme de la creme, and have never had a minicule of respect for the one either. i'm not bothered. but surprisingly, the other, whom i was previously close but yet not too close with, has emerged all the better for the 'elite education'. the other is now cheerful, talkative, nice(still remaining, from our convo), outgoing and non the textbook worm of our second round of education. really couldn't recognise the other. think if i meet the other on the steets tomorrow, i wouldnt realise who it is. but its a good change nonetheless. loveable.
roll on homework.
and did i forget something?
oh yes.
concert is in four days' time.
oOpS.
posted by sarangaia || 6:38 AM Tuesday, May 17, 2005
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life |
it's getting to me. the concert's gonna be here this time next week. and there are far too many sections of my pieces that i'm not very confident of for my liking. haven't really done my homework yet. but i'll start on it soon. after my rambling.
frustration is setting in. i remember the last time i felt this way was at the last concert. i didn't feel prepared enough. its a terrible feeling. it doesn't really help that the conductor gets pissed off every practice. i felt so damned pissed yeaterday. i just couldn't get my pieces right, and i couldn't concentrate. having another sitting directly across who at a glance looks like him didn't exactly boost my spirits. well, at least i ain't gonna see him anymore (both) after this. lethargy was getting to me and i felt pissed to the core. i want perfection from myself, be it for my piano, my gaohu/erhu or my lit. i cannot make do with sub-standard work or playing. NO NO NO. i wonder if i'll make it. what's worse is that i'm gonna miss one prac next week (combined with band somemore) and there are 7 days left. oh joy!
what really sent me into a fit was someboby's fooling around. if i had known earlier, i wouldn't have done all i did to help you make more friends. YES, I REGRET. call yourself a friend when all you do is to make me angry and sad. call yourself a friend when you can't even be there for me. call yourself a friend when you treat me like an extra piece of paper, using it only when you need it. call yourself a friend when you don't face up to all the problems in this friendship even when i've tried. you know what? i want out. I DON'T CARE ANYMORE. if this is the way you want things to be, FINE. its not like i only have you as a friend. you think you're so miserable, so lonely so... WHATEVER. don't you know that everything sounds like its planned to evoke sympathy? don't you know that you have to face up to your problems? don't you know that only you can help yourself? GROW UP!!!!!! JUST GROW UP!!! the whole world thinks you're so cute, funny... wadeva. can't u display that side to me more often and not show me your gloomy, dark, depressed and mean side to me so often? yes, mean. maybe you don't realise.
so much for rambling. getting more and more pissed.
you better get your act together.
or if you get me really pissed, there's no telling what i'll do.
friend.. hah! do some homework on the art of making friends before you say you're my friend.
posted by sarangaia || 2:59 AM Sunday, May 15, 2005
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hilarious |
the worst thing is that i know it feels terrble..
but i still found it hilarious!!!
poor guy.. probably doesn't think its too funny. i empathise.
anyway..
okok, i FIANALLY changed my blogskin. happy now?
hilarious day..
posted by sarangaia || 7:51 AM Wednesday, May 11, 2005
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lazy |
crazy week. got sucked into the routine of laziness again. just have too much to write for essays and end up writing nothing cos i'm simply too tired. four essys and i've completed only one. well, sort of. you get the picture? sigh, i guess i'm just gonna have to find some way around this.
its gonna be a crazy week starting tomorrow. oh god, how'm i gonna survive? already, tomorrow doesn't look too good. app and two essys due and i've completed only one. add in econs test (gosh!! i need to study!!) and sectionals, tentatively scheduled to end at 9.30.. plus morning pe the next day and i've not trained AT ALL for nappa, which i missed last week and am GOING TO FAIL. and piano lesson at eight, to end at nine. roll on wednesday when our graded econs essay is due. hohoho. that's not even the point. thursday is the sucky day with afternoon pe, DEBATES(no thanks to those who nominated me, even though i know you have the best interests at heart. i'm simply caught in a crazy week) with 35, a frightening thought. who likes getting creamed? did i mention that its also sectionals day? yipee. then we'll get to all go home late, tired, cranky, beat. DEAD. double yippee. friday. chinese mo4 sie3. whoopee. dazu. whoopee. saturday. PRACTICE AGAIN. i think, coupled with the homework that will be given out, its gonna be insane. INSANE.
guess it'll be a battle of my inner mugger soul and my free spirit (which simply put by most, laziness).
guess i'll just procrastinate right through the week, just like i did my whole life through rv. i mean, it was a little busier back then, you know? lets hope it'll work this time too.
i miss him.
watched my kor's play yesterday. he's still as great and as nice as ever. hope he's happy. he's the best!! eugene and wanlin.. haiyo.. still as together as ever lah. i found it surprisingly easy to talk to them all. as in, i thought we'd grow apart but it seems like we grew closer, if you know what i mean. its easier to talk to them than it is to say.. richie? he's not that easy to talk to in the first place. there's always this barrier. maybe the so-called spankings (eh eugene! you're a man leh! very pain meh? wahahaha)in my lower sec years worked wonders. maybe i should start whacking people on the shoulders and wherever else again. haha! but i realise how dear they are to me. i think bird gang, dada, nel, jy, the rv xian yue gang, y2, qianz, tj, hm.. all of them..yea, even kh are the ones i love best. dunno. maybe i'm biased. special mentions to the juniors(weiling n sylvia esp) and lijia too. and...whoa.. so many more. sounds like some 933 song dedication. you know who you are peeps. and one more person... you know.
i miss you. i promised a lot of people and i think its time to let you go. but i'll never forget you. thanks for those days, i'm learning to live with only my memories of you.
to another someone: you're dense!!!!! you probably don't even realise.
roll on.
feeling lazy..
posted by sarangaia || 4:19 AM Sunday, May 08, 2005
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gold |
i don't feel the satisfaction. its over, i was technically rather faultless in my playing, for once that day. at least i didn't make the stupid mistakes i sometimes do in co room. it was my debut as a gaohu player. but we didn't get honours. i knew all along we wouldn't get honours. its not like we're bad or anything, its not like we didn't put in enough effort. but i guess what my piano teacher and mr low said just stuck in my head. our choice piece is not one that is likely to garner an honour. yes, gold we will, but not the honours. its difficult to present something new in such a well known piece. and because its well known, its easier to spot faults and mistakes. was really happy before syf. exited at seeing a lot of rv peeps.. esp..
then comes the question. why was i crying, rather weeping from after i got offstage? simple. it wasn't too much about co. i was assured that we'd get gold, it was just a matter of the honours (which i had a sneaky bad feeling about). its kinda like the feeling i had after my rv syf. the whole point was, i got offstage, went downstairs. i wanted to go see them play on the circuit tv upstairs(we were not allowed in yet). but i couldn't. then i heard the crash of drums. i just broke down. like that. uncontrollably. i cried and cried nonstop. i think they thought i was too nervous and played wrongly or something like that. but qiling hit on the reason. i don't know, i really lost control.
i guess i just bottled it up for too long, lied to myself for too long. the initial joy i felt at finally seeing what i wanted was just washed away by a bout of sorrow. it was crazy, but i cried all the way from then until back to school. i cried myslf to sleep on the bus. ying2 was there with her (as usual) really comforting embrace. wanyan, i think, thought i was plain crazy to be crying over this. but she was there with a hug for me too. shanyin was there trying to wordlessly tell me to cheer up too. i'm so thankful that they're always here for me, even now. unlike whom i cried like its the end of the world over.
even now i still feel a little unstable. but it really felt good to let all loose. i really miss.. but its all over. it never began, to be honest. i look at my phone now and i smile wistfully. i wonder when this will all end. never? impossible..but possible? i really don't know.
she missed him? no? yes? unsure? an abyss. deep. dark. bottomless.
i sort of dread the concert. even though then we'll not be rivals but me performer, the significant other as audience. i'm afraid i'll cry again. i'm afraid seeing will shake up my newly stabilised life again.
give me back those days when i was contented with just practising in ava 1, us together. give me back my four years that we had together. give me back my love, my security blanket.
sarang heiyo.
goodbye,goodbye,goodbye.
posted by sarangaia || 5:45 AM Wednesday, May 04, 2005
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Danielwu |
an aura. those eyes. why have i never seen it? that coldness, that warmth, that feeling. why have i missed it? in missing comes regret, a satisfying emotion wrapping up any other that tells of inferiority and lack of confidence. such pity, sorrow on the role picked up, bringing to thine eyes tears that would never roll upon thou cheeks. love conveyed in thine eyes, hate, anger, joy, indifference.. a rolling pot of thoughts not to be forgotten shortly. smitten.
syf's tommorrow and i'm still worrying about undone work and my PI. god, i swear Pi's gonna be the death of me. syf.. wasn't really stressed in the beginning, but i'm starting to feel the heat now, esp since fukang decided to solve the problem of my gaohu's ma only yesterday. now i have a noisy instrument with loads of .. arh!!! forget it. mere talk is making me nervous. jittery. my only comfort is that he'll be there. i can finally see him.
pining. she was mentally prepared. she knew it would come. she knew she would miss, mourn and pine for the loss of that familarity, his aura. but it was proving more hard than she previously thought. no one could soothe that aching wound hidden in the dark, nothing was balm for her lonely soul. she was incomplete, missing out on the past, present, future. she still mourned, only now it wasn't purely for him. it was too, for the girl she had been. joyous, full of life. she was but a deflated, disillusioned balloon now. like an addict, she craved. but he never came. and she cried in the dark night.
nice one, wasn't that? i guess only at times like this am i able to write such stuff. frankly, i do miss that someone. no one can take that someone's place. it gets harder and harder to recover over that years, you know?
i want to go for syf. i want to see for myself. i have to. i have to steel myself. no matter what i see, i musn't cry. i must stay strong. i must keep to my promise. i must forget.
but oh... my poor heart.
i lie. i can't forget. and i know i won't
i really miss you..
so much.
will time ever turn back?
posted by sarangaia || 7:19 AM Monday, May 02, 2005
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