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1N2D Episode 83
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illusions |
it happens, and more often than not i don't realise it.
what you feel in the first instant may not be the truth. what you think next may not be as telling as you thought. eventually when things mellow, you're already convinced, stuck to your belief, all due to that one instant. but it may not the best solution, or answer. sometimes i have difficulty recognising this mysterious situation.
i guess i should thank a lot of people and the circumstances that eventuallly brought this outcome to me. truth be told, i don't know if i want to thank my current situation. when the posting results came out, i nearly went postal (no pun intended). the mere thought of it choked me, made me feel so bitter, just as i was suffocating, drowning in the misery that followed. i was in my desired school.. so were they. i kept questioning myself, why? why? why? that emotion, bitter as bile, rose to my throat whenever i was them in the time after that. i just couldn't stop myself from feeling that way. the fact that i felt i couldn't tell anyone without jeopardising my jc life didn't help much. the past just hurt too much. this was like salt on fresh wounds.
luckily i found that one person, the one who appears at different stages of my life to help me out of deep shit. yeah, it was that bad. coming to terms with my emotions is not easy, especially when they fall short of what i thought i felt. that few messages were a catalyst to my acceptance, my realisation. twas not jealousy i felt. ok, maybe it was. but the bulk of the whole problem was the whole familiariy of the situation. their similarities. envy. regret. my unwillingness to let go of the past.
i don't know when i can do that. time has disappointed me time after time. i will wait. time has to relent, eventually. maybe, a long time later, memories will fade, to a whisper that will not bring tears to my eyes ever again.
who knows? i found someone who can make me smile like an idiot without a good reason again. maybe the time for me to finally let go has come. i'm not sure, because again, time is not in my favour.
we'll leave that to how things turn out, shall we? in the meantime, there's a person i need to thank.
hey qianz! thx! ;)
posted by sarangaia || 11:48 PM Friday, March 25, 2005
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posting |
ajc. in case you want to know.
happy. delirous. but there's a major flaw.
weep, my heart does because of it. but i'm staying in a place i've come to love.
i got my best dream..
and my worst nightmare at the same time.
posted by sarangaia || 5:49 PM Monday, March 21, 2005
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icecream |
hols continued. really don't like the idea of breaking my principle of one word titles, so i came up with this as a compromise.
dinner was surprising. we had steamboat. usually that happens only on festive occasions. well. rice is a staple, comfort.
roll on tuesday. terrible day. didn't manage to go back because i overslept. in mandarin people call it lai4 chuang2. i don't like the phrase. sounds lazy. so i popped over to my gramps.. all the way at sengkang. slacked around before i finally got on to buying my kimchi. was in a rotten mood, the damn sun was so hot. then again, eating the kimchi made me a bit more settled. was kind of a perk, especially when the kimchi vs bird flu report came out that day. nice touch to an otherwise cranky day.
wednesday, thursday and friday. sum it all up to CO. practise, practise, practise. i wanted to go swimming!!! guess it'll have to wait till good friday. if i can't swim that day, i'm gonna start throwing things around. wednesday was especially bad. wasn't over the high of kboxing, and half the fun people weren't there at xy xiaozu. actually, only rich and qt and michelle were essentially there. darn. but i found true love that day, even though fk used it before i did. they got me a new instrument to substitute that gross sounding one i'd been using. who can resist it? i fell in love with it. the case smells of hls's car though. and fk was the previous "owner". oh well, gain some, lose some. i love my new intsru. i'm gonna call him(or her as you want to call it) horhor. after yours truly. this is why i REALLY DON'T WANT TO LEAVE AJ.
thursday was great. rich made brownies, by the way, which he didn't want to share. wahahaha. piano was for once non theory. relief. sick of intensive theory these 2 months. to hell with the key, grade 5 theory. no, i don't really mean it. all my favourites came.
friday. kq made me see green and red with unintentional comments. i hate sharing. but it has always been that way with him. anyway, all came. my love for horhor blossomed, thanks to getting used to the ba3 wei4. practice was perfect. although it could have been better without the presence of a particular person.. i guess yq is right. it is the resemblence. the resemblence that i like. why can't i convince myself so? maybe its not. can't complain too much. mild jealousy reigned. i keep telling myself mild. yeah, right. it was the beginning of confusion.
saturday. confusion reigned. i was terribly, terribly confused. i am still now. watched huangcheng. cried.
talking on the phone. more tomorrow.
posted by sarangaia || 5:44 AM Sunday, March 20, 2005
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hols |
i should have blogged earlier, on monday, after that great day. was too lazy. retribution's in order. confused as ever.
confusion over different things now. shelve that for later, have to go back in time first.
well, what can i say? was really amused by the comment enhua left on my blog earlier. enhua, if you actually bother coming back here to read, lemme tell ya this. love ya blog loads, esp the anti melo wacko (think melvin chow think mj, they're both mad n crazy) and soo ben fishanomics sentiments.lucky us to have escaped the reign of sb and the terrorisation of mc. wahahaha. ya blog rocks, period.
that went way back before the hols. too lazy to type it in while blogging on pain.
anyway, back to the hols. monday was one of the best days this week. sorry 35, i missed the class outing for xy outing. couldn't resist the temptation. was fun blasting our lungs at that remote place. glad i went. may be the last time with this bunch of people. grabbed a bite after that, eight of us in all. going home was a blast. lamism galore. special mentions to rich and dawson. rich FOR NOT COMING despite my endless PERSUATION. haha, i know you're reading this, richie. eat your heart out. it was terribly fun. dawson for the incredibly sidesplitting insult/compliment on your truly's ez-link. okok, you said it was a compliment. but it still left me speechless.. its a new world eh?
okok, continue this later. mom n dad bugging me to go eat. shall remind myself, i need to blog on icecream and confusion. all else can wait.
dinnertime!
posted by sarangaia || 4:01 AM
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pain |
the pain comes rolling in. ah, the perils of being female.
its not that the pain is particularly bad this time. it is very persistent though. nothing seems to be able to relieve it(i REFUSE to pop panadol anymore), and the slightest change in temperature provokes the pain. doesn't help that its been raining on and off. that's the worst part.
no, actually, the worst part is that its happening during this period of time. frankly speaking, i'm confused. to hell with the education system(ok, i don't really mean it, but i'm really pissed this time round). i hate the first three months system. the jnrs better thank god, thank everything REALLY HARD they don't have to go through this. its fun, no doubt about it. but its vicious. you come and forge bonds, grow attached and ponder at the same time about whether this is what you want, if you want to go someplace else, if this is your destiny for the next 2 years. everyone's just confused. there may be the few people who say and appear to know what they want. but is this really true? is but a facade to me. to not know, what you want, where to go, what to take.. the works. suddenly everything(ok, only your own results) is clear. but the wait persists. what a pain.
its worst at this time. i'm like a drug addict, craving the past. never take afternoon naps. not being able to sleep at night is terrible. think, think, think. why am i so darned unlucky? can't this happen some other time? mood swings.
sarangheisarangheisarangehei. miss ya. lots.
don't need to say more, do i?
posted by sarangaia || 5:10 PM Sunday, March 06, 2005
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