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so much for the last mentioned as a two faced liar. i was so wrong about it being the worst. this just tops the list.
there are two categories of people. one, the honest direct kind whose life ends up being sabotaged. two, the scheming indirect one who ends up sabotaging others.
should have seen it coming. should have trusted the first instinct. should have learnt from history. but no, the heart clings on the illusion that they are the same. well, i'm really glad i've gotten the shock that i've had. angry waters coursing. no no, not for such a person. for myself and for having finally woken up to the fact that he is gone from my life, and i'll have to cope with it with no substitutions, no illusions. for venting out that last bit of nostalgia which is now reserved only for the key to a delirious past, not mixed up with the people of my present reality.
because you know what? they are not the same. looks are decieving. under his exterior, so much like the one of the past, is a cold, scheming jackass who cares for no one. unless it benefits him. cowering in the thought that there are better, nicer in the world. basking in the joy of having achieved 'glory'. 'glory'. ha!
i have only hatred left. bitterness doubled by that fact that despite myself, i've fallen for the entire ploy, only because of a weak link to a fragile and vunerable past. and that's the way i want it. no emotions, no feelings. nothing to mar what i'll do next. and i know i'll remember this forever. because i'm not the forgetting sort. i forgive, but i will never forget. never.
its time to create the third category. the direct one who is honest only to people who are worth it, and will retaliate scheming with sabotage, eye for eye.
i've had the only thing i hold close to my heart taken from me. this is payback time. make my life miserable and i will not back down. you've messed with the wrong girl.
posted by sarangaia || 9:53 PM Sunday, April 30, 2006
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haha.. the nerve of some people.
sometimes, people say that he is scary because he is so complex, deep and all. the two hate him, there are others who dislike him.
but you know what? there's a worse version of the supposed scary person. comes in the form of a human, seemingly nice, but is in fact darker, much darker than anyone else would like to acknowledge. lurking in the shadow of words, hiding beneath the facade of innocence, cloaked in the veil of the always pitiful one image.
you know what? that person is just around, smiling to you.
but behind your back....
the knife stabs quick, fast, accurately and you fall silently without realising what just took place.
friends?
its up to people to see for themselves.
wake up.
posted by sarangaia || 9:12 PM Wednesday, April 26, 2006
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went to Kuali for their international buffet to celebrate mom's birthday. boy, the food was great. the sauted potatoes were the best i've ever tasted!!! the sensuous taste of smooth potato in their skins and the lingering smell of black pepper... all of the flavours finely balanced and none too overwhelming. heavenly. of course, the raw salmon was great too. so was the cheese platter. just trying to get through the starters was trying enough. the desserts were truly mind boggling. fresh fruits and dark/white chocolate fondue, tiramisu, puddings in delectable flavours, apple crumble, cakes in every imaginable flavour, durian puff... everything i've been abstaining from for the past few weeks. i don't even want to go into detail about the main courses they had. we were stuck there for at least 2.5 hours eating. woo!!~~at least i'm out of that 'exclusive running club' i've been stuck in for the past few weeks. but i'm like, failing NAPFA.
i've been really busy these few weeks. Busy preparing for my piano exam, busy preparing for concert, busy trying to resolve this big problem that this irresponsible girl just threw to be 3 weeks before the concert with no valid reason( FYI, the school has verified that her ‘reason’ is absolutely unacceptable), busy trying to practice with my section, preparing my tutees for their exams, doing my own homework and studying, most of all busy getting worked up over this asshole (I’m very sorry if you are reading this, but this is honestly how I feel right now.) in co whom i've decided is not worth it anymore. why should i waste my time on a 'friend' who isn't even one in the first place. sure, we're classmates and all that, but i'm really sick and tired of such a friendship. no, its not a mood swing, its not black face week, its final. the bottomline is, we just can't get along. its just a clash of personalities. i expect a friend to be responsive to caring and care for me too. it seems like everyone but this particular person can do it. He’s always saying, I’m just like that. But he’s wrong. No one is just like that. You choose how you want to be like. Look at the way he treats others, I really think he’s not worth my time trying to make a friendship that is so heavily lopsided work. But he’s just been evading the problem. If you are reading this, I write with no malice. I’ve tried getting to you and you know it. With all due respect, I think I’ve given my best shot. But its just not working, and I’m really frustrated. I’ve tried long and hard enough. Its time to let things go. As far as I’m concerned, we may be co mates, classmates, occasionally even the sharing thoughts kind of acquaintance, but that’s it. I’m not opening up anymore, because I’m just so tired. You need to let me know that you actually treat me like a friend, if you are pissed, say it, if you are happy, smile, if you are down, try sharing it, or putting up a smile just so your friends feel reassured. Do you actually think that its easy for me to be smiling in school all the time, be self depreciating, make jokes, laugh even at myself? But I’ll do anything just to see that people around me are happy. Because my joy comes from them. Lately, I’ve increasingly not felt so when you’re around, maybe because my heart has given up. Goodbye. Maybe one day, things will change. But for now, I’m not going to torture myself anymore. I’m setting myself free.
Sigh. Can anyone invent something that can allow me to access my scores at any piano, without having to use electricity? I want to play whenever I can, but I can’t possibly memorise all of my scores!!! There’s just too much!!! I love my piano and my piano lessons. It’s the only thing that’s keeping my from falling apart now.
posted by sarangaia || 5:36 AM Sunday, April 16, 2006
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yundi |
Li yundi is a great player. i must admit that i'm very demoralised by him, but at the same time, i'm practising harder than ever because i watched him on youtube. gosh, how is that 4-5 trill possible when the 1-2-3 has work to do at the same time? and yet the sound of the 4-5 trill is so consistent and clear. La Campanella. is there ever gonna be a day i can get through that song at that speed? gosh, as it is, i'm struggling with the seventh bar onwards of fantaisie impromptu in c minor, f.f chopin. my fingers are just way too short. and weak. i'm lazy, thats why i've never bothered with all the mad strength training my teacher insists on. ok, that shall change. i swear by june next year i will finish it at 9/10 his speed.
i can understand why k thinks rain's singing is great but his japanese sucks. its true. because he sings in jap with a korean accent. its weird. i prefer his korean pop...
can't believe i spent 4 breaks straight in the sweltering hall alone, practising on the grand. the good thing about the school grand is that its horrendously light, so practising long on it does make your fingers scream in agony. in fact, i hardly felt anything at all after that two hours of practice. of course, the downside is that its not much of practice. that grand is a concert and not practice grand. the touch is just way too light. i think its all the people playing on it, hence the hammers are harder, so the touch is lighter. and of course, as with all school pianos, it is horribly untuned. the B and middle C produce this metallic clanging voice that is absolutely horrible, and once upon a time rectified by an ingenious soul who stuck paper between the two culprit strings. but i undid all that effort today.. it wasnt intentional. i just practised too hard on it, and the paper fell through. blame it on yundi li. he inspired my mad practising.
hail music.
posted by sarangaia || 7:07 AM Wednesday, April 05, 2006
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this has not been a good week for me. it started out fine but somehow went into this downward spiral where everything went wrong. the only few things that went right this week was that ying2 was there for me all the time, da unwittingly cheered me up with her influx of inspirational messages, and ningfei finally replied so that i can start telling the other SLs about ajco concert. other than that, it was all crap.
i dont want to talk about all the shit i've been through this week. its been a hard week, and i want to forget all about it. i dont want to go into that trashing session, i don't want to talk about my newly resolved conflict with rich, i dont want to talk about my apparent inability to work with my p.p because he's just so not responsive and undecipherable, i don't want to talk about my jnr who wants to quit, i dont want to talk about she who is having psychological toubles and unknowingly passing it on to me, i dont want to talk about all the troubles the other SLs are having, i dont want to talk about friends and supposed friends, i dont want to talk about him and him. i'm really tired. to hell with it all.
cheering me up was brokeback mountain. there probably are people out there like them, and they go through much more shit than i have had this week. i remember jack twist and his ' we only have brokeback mountain' and 'truth is, sometimes i miss you so bad, i can hardly stand it', and i think of ennis delmar breaking down and crying. its a touching story. i wont say i', pro homosexuality now, but it did change my perception of them by a tiny bit.
thanks to mom being out now, i get to watch fullhose again, and that set it for me. life is good with these little perks now and then.
cheers to great films and korean dramas.
to hell with the other crap.
posted by sarangaia || 11:49 PM Saturday, April 01, 2006
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