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illusions |
it happens, and more often than not i don't realise it.
what you feel in the first instant may not be the truth. what you think next may not be as telling as you thought. eventually when things mellow, you're already convinced, stuck to your belief, all due to that one instant. but it may not the best solution, or answer. sometimes i have difficulty recognising this mysterious situation.
i guess i should thank a lot of people and the circumstances that eventuallly brought this outcome to me. truth be told, i don't know if i want to thank my current situation. when the posting results came out, i nearly went postal (no pun intended). the mere thought of it choked me, made me feel so bitter, just as i was suffocating, drowning in the misery that followed. i was in my desired school.. so were they. i kept questioning myself, why? why? why? that emotion, bitter as bile, rose to my throat whenever i was them in the time after that. i just couldn't stop myself from feeling that way. the fact that i felt i couldn't tell anyone without jeopardising my jc life didn't help much. the past just hurt too much. this was like salt on fresh wounds.
luckily i found that one person, the one who appears at different stages of my life to help me out of deep shit. yeah, it was that bad. coming to terms with my emotions is not easy, especially when they fall short of what i thought i felt. that few messages were a catalyst to my acceptance, my realisation. twas not jealousy i felt. ok, maybe it was. but the bulk of the whole problem was the whole familiariy of the situation. their similarities. envy. regret. my unwillingness to let go of the past.
i don't know when i can do that. time has disappointed me time after time. i will wait. time has to relent, eventually. maybe, a long time later, memories will fade, to a whisper that will not bring tears to my eyes ever again.
who knows? i found someone who can make me smile like an idiot without a good reason again. maybe the time for me to finally let go has come. i'm not sure, because again, time is not in my favour.
we'll leave that to how things turn out, shall we? in the meantime, there's a person i need to thank.
hey qianz! thx! ;)
posted by sarangaia || 11:48 PM Friday, March 25, 2005
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1 Comments:
hahaha.. no prob.. hope u will stay cheerful always.. =))) give my WARMEST blessings to ya.. =pP
qianz
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