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confusion |
i wanted to write about yesterday. but i guess its safer to keep it to myself and tell only that few people. i don't know why i was so bothered and distracted just by the mere sight of him walking out of the studio... but it wasn't all unpleasant. just that i was hit by a wave of memories, and it led to misunderstandings that made me so sad, i wanted to cry. my piano teacher!! how can he say the things he did? i was just distracted by an old aquaintance! he should know better than anyone else that piano, co, music is my life. i just... i'm just so pressured. i don't want to make a choice. why can't i keep both my piano and erhu? why does he keep doing this? i have to stop doing this to my piano. water, especially tears, will spoil the keys. but i can't stop it from flowing whenever i play, the words reverberating in my head. maybe if i were more like my sister, with that to hell with everything attitude, he might not have such high expectations. i'm buckling under the pressure. i'm not sure anymore who the lessons are for. me, or him? i hate the things i play now. it sounds... too sorrowful, angsty and at the same time angry. what's happening to me?
i guess this is not as bad as the situation in class. i don't know what happened during the holidays but i'm not blind. something's happened and i saw an acutely sad figure today. i felt so bad, because i'm not particularly close to this person and i don't know what i can do. what's wrong with the world? first the piano thing, then the situation in the class turns wierd, and somebody's been stealing from my piggy bank, and my savings for my year end spree is almost ALL GONE. gosh. i feel like bashing whoever messed up my life. i don't know, maybe the class thingy is not as bad as it seems. but i hate seeing people look less than happy. whatever it is, we're still going to spend our jc life together. hopefully tmr will be better, everything will turn back to normal.
hell, who am i trying to convince? i don't even buy it myself.
is it me, or is my life really going awry?
posted by sarangaia || 6:03 AM Tuesday, July 05, 2005
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