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i don't feel the satisfaction. its over, i was technically rather faultless in my playing, for once that day. at least i didn't make the stupid mistakes i sometimes do in co room. it was my debut as a gaohu player. but we didn't get honours. i knew all along we wouldn't get honours. its not like we're bad or anything, its not like we didn't put in enough effort. but i guess what my piano teacher and mr low said just stuck in my head. our choice piece is not one that is likely to garner an honour. yes, gold we will, but not the honours. its difficult to present something new in such a well known piece. and because its well known, its easier to spot faults and mistakes. was really happy before syf. exited at seeing a lot of rv peeps.. esp.. then comes the question. why was i crying, rather weeping from after i got offstage? simple. it wasn't too much about co. i was assured that we'd get gold, it was just a matter of the honours (which i had a sneaky bad feeling about). its kinda like the feeling i had after my rv syf. the whole point was, i got offstage, went downstairs. i wanted to go see them play on the circuit tv upstairs(we were not allowed in yet). but i couldn't. then i heard the crash of drums. i just broke down. like that. uncontrollably. i cried and cried nonstop. i think they thought i was too nervous and played wrongly or something like that. but qiling hit on the reason. i don't know, i really lost control. i guess i just bottled it up for too long, lied to myself for too long. the initial joy i felt at finally seeing what i wanted was just washed away by a bout of sorrow. it was crazy, but i cried all the way from then until back to school. i cried myslf to sleep on the bus. ying2 was there with her (as usual) really comforting embrace. wanyan, i think, thought i was plain crazy to be crying over this. but she was there with a hug for me too. shanyin was there trying to wordlessly tell me to cheer up too. i'm so thankful that they're always here for me, even now. unlike whom i cried like its the end of the world over. even now i still feel a little unstable. but it really felt good to let all loose. i really miss.. but its all over. it never began, to be honest. i look at my phone now and i smile wistfully. i wonder when this will all end. never? impossible..but possible? i really don't know. she missed him? no? yes? unsure? an abyss. deep. dark. bottomless. i sort of dread the concert. even though then we'll not be rivals but me performer, the significant other as audience. i'm afraid i'll cry again. i'm afraid seeing will shake up my newly stabilised life again. give me back those days when i was contented with just practising in ava 1, us together. give me back my four years that we had together. give me back my love, my security blanket. sarang heiyo. goodbye,goodbye,goodbye.
posted by sarangaia || 5:45 AM Wednesday, May 04, 2005
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4 Comments:
heehee.. i think u are pretty craziee :p haha.. no la.. i really hope u can try to forget him ya.. liddat life would be happier ar.. =) take care of urself n if u have any problems n feel like tokin.. i will always be here for u ya.. (:
be happy!(^o^)v
loys of luv, _wanyan*=)
aiyohhhhhhhhh. dont be sad le (: -hugsss-
sylvia
it's ok lar... one step at a time... next time maybe~ but i really think we're not ready for gold w honours yet... =s and anyway the judges dint like the piece aj chose? =S
don't be sad lar... haiZ~~
haiyo.. take care yar? try to let go.. what else can you do?
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